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Read Next Luckily for Duamni, sometimes random bystanders turn out to be heroes. In this case, Dave Newman was watching as the current pulled Duamni under, and with the help of some fellow bystanders (also, some rope), Newman dove into the river to pull a daring rescue like some type of water-themed superhero (Sea-Batman?). As police and EMTs arrived, Newman was reaching Duamni, who had become trapped in a small underwater cave. Ignoring the police officers' repeated cries to get the hell out of the water, Newman proceeded to yank Duamni from his trap, thereby denying the cave the satisfaction of becoming a watery tomb.

He never mentions muttering 'Not today, Poseidon,' as he swam to safety, but you gotta assume. The newly heroic Newman emerged and reached out to shake an awaiting officer's hand. The Backfire. But instead of receiving a commemorative statue or a gift certificate for a free buffet or some shit, the officer immediately slapped a handcuff onto Newman's outstretched wrist for the impropriety of ignoring police orders.

According to the police, Newman had interfered with their duties by refusing to get out of the river when ordered to do so. Moodboard/moodboard/Getty Images 'If you'd just listened, he could've drowned, and we could all be home by now!'

5A Homeless Man Turns In Lost Cash And Is Rewarded, Loses His Medicaid Benefits Due To The Extra Income Photodisc/Photodisc/Getty Images, Aquir/iStock/Getty Images Shortly after the 9/11 attacks, New Jerseyite James Brady fell into a soul-destroying depression. He had been scheduled to attend a meeting at the World Trade Center on the day of the attacks, and knowing that he'd so narrowly avoided a violent death was more than his psyche could bear. His mental state got progressively worse, until Brady could add jobless and homeless to hopeless on his ever-growing list of -lesses. But fate soon smiled on him: One day, while taking a walk near the homeless shelter that he now called home, Brady discovered that was almost definitely not lost during a failed drug deal or the unsuccessful placing of a bargain hit.

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images 'A hit is $10,000. For $850, I'll send the target unsolicited dick pics.' The Backfire: By October of that year, Brady was living in government housing and receiving treatment for his depression, staying healthy thanks to his Medicaid support. He was slowly working his way up from the bottom, and by all regards making the best of his second chance in life. That's when he was contacted by the Hackensack Human Services Department and informed that his government benefits, including said all-important Medicaid, were. See, Medicaid is based on income bracketing, and Brady had failed to report a shiny new stream of income - specifically, a certain less-than-a-grand windfall that authorities had previously praised the upstanding (and, again, homeless) Brady for turning in. Find a penny; pick it upThen you are completely fucked.

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She then turned the footage over to the local Sheriff's Office, and since it's difficult to argue with truly Peter Jacksonsian amounts of video footage depicting calves being 'violently dragged by their legs, pulled by their ears, lifted by their tails, kicked, thrown, slammed, and flipped,' the authorities agreed that the case was of the cut-and-dried variety, citing multiple workers at the facility with animal cruelty charges. The Backfire: Bet you can't guess who else they charged with animal cruelty. It was, in case you don't handle suspense well. You see, in some states, a mandatory reporting law dictates how soon a person must report animal abuse after witnessing the event. The Weld County Sheriff's Office determined that, since Radig had spent months allowing the abuse to continue while capturing enough surveillance footage to build what she felt was a strong enough case against the company, she was no less guilty than those she'd filmed doing the actual abusing.

Yeah, there's your animal hater. Lock her away, constable. Now, based on what we just told you, you're probably assuming that Colorado is one of those states with a mandatory reporting law. Well, it's not. Radig's investigation had broken no laws, yet she found herself in the same boat as those she'd filmed taking their angst out on helpless baby cows (that boat being the S.S. Minnow-Dick), presumably because handling the case was interfering with some deputy's My-Little-Pony-watching time.

The Sheriff's Office also promised to handle her case discreetly and then, effectively destroying her future in the calf-kicker-exposing arts. But perhaps Radig should consider herself lucky, because when animal-based karma takes a wrong turn, a kick square in the career is one of the better outcomes one can hope for. There's nothing more helpless than a baby bird.

If a bird falls out of its nest before its legs are fully functional, it's as good as a floppy hors d'oeuvre for some unscrupulous scavenger. EAlisa/iStock/Getty Images 'Don't let the GIFs and videos fool you; we will straight up murder the shit out of you.'

So UK parking lot owner Don Weston was unquestionably doing nature a favor when he found a seagull chick that had fallen from its nest and gently helped it back into its grassy crib. What a thoughtful man! And we're sure nature repaid him in kind. There's no way snatching a baby bird from the splintery maw of some feral cat could, say, result in perpetual sky-terror raining down on good Don from above, right?

More likely, this is the opening scene of a children's movie about a man traversing the wacky road of life with the help of his loving (but wacky) seagull companion. The Backfire: Unfortunately, Don's story has less in common with a Disney flick than it does with a certain classic horror movie. The seagull that Don rescued, all grown up, now stakes out the parking lot to. Whether it's come to associate Don with food that he never provides or it's exacting sweet vengeance on the man who forced it to face up to a long and healthy life when fate originally had other plans, it's clear that the bird wants Don dead. He can't so much as walk outside without becoming the victim of this dive-bombing peckerhead. And this has gone on for years. And to make doubly sure Don gets the message, the seagull regularly shits on him as well.

Don has become so frightened of the bird (or possibly the shit) that it gives him - he even named the bird Psycho, because naming it 'The Birds' would be redundant. RugliG/iStock/Getty Images And it turned out there was already a killer seagull named 'North By Northwest.' 2A City Council Candidate Lets His Exhausted Wife Sleep In, Loses The Election By One Vote (His Wife's) Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images Like so many Americans today, Robert 'Bobby' McDonald and his wife Katie were giving everything they had to make ends meet. Katie was working nights in a hospital as a patient care assistant while simultaneously finishing up a nursing program at a nearby community college, while Bobby was running for a seat on the city council of their tiny hometown of Walton, Kentucky. And did we mention that the couple had three kids? Katie's insane schedule meant that sleep was at a premium, and when Election Day coincided with Extra Shift Day, Bobby decided to do the good husbandly thing and let her. Because, really, how much difference could one vote possibly make?

Hermosawave/iStock/Getty Images Spoiler: Yet, another to make a. The Backfire: The answer to that question is, of course, 'all of the difference.' Because in a small town like Walton, every single stinking-ass vote counts. Bobby ended up in a dead heat with his opponent, Olivia Ballou, and when the final votes were tallied, the two were tied. Just one more guaranteed vote for Bobby (we're assuming it was guaranteed, what with that whole 'for richer or for poorer' thing) would have cinched him the narrowest of victories.

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Paul, as any loving cat owner might, stuck his fingers straight down Charlie's gullet in an attempt to yank out the obstruction. Now, there a lot of things that can potentially go wrong in this scenario. Paul could get scratched the hell up,. Well, that's pretty much it. One thing that could never, ever, not in a million (or at least several hundred) years happen is that Paul would contract the goddamn bubonic plague. That's because Paul was about to be struck by lightning than he was to contract the goddamn bubonic plague. Why would we even write that, anyway?

How do we even come up with this stuff? The Backfire: Paul. Now, to be clear, Paul was not a Middle Ages peasant. This happened in 2012 in rural Oregon, which is apparently home to. Sadly, Charlie bit Paul and scampered away to hide before Paul could dislodge the murderous mouse.

The next day, Paul came down with a fever. His skin turned gray in a manner that was depressingly accompanied. After being rushed to the hospital, he fell into a coma while his fingers and toes began to literally rot off. Paul was in a coma for a month, during which he progressed through the bubonic plague's bigger, assholier brothers: pneumonic plague and septicemic plague. With each progression, his chances at survival: His organs progressively shut down, and his fingers and toes had to be amputated.

To say it was a miracle that he survived would be an understatement - he's the only person known to have ever survived all three stages of the plague. But despite being death-punched by an anachronistic affliction, Paul maintains a positive outlook on life, and refers to the incident as a 'fluke.'

He now spends his days crafting knives in his workshop (an impressive hobby for a fingerless man), presumably preparing for the day when he can tell karma to go enthusiastically fuck itself, the same as he once told death. Every blade has death's name on one side, and karma's on the other. To recap, the lesson from today's article is, 'Never help an animal, under any circumstances, lest you anger the gods.'

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